my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
