How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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