the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
