Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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