Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
