Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
