I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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