I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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