dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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