I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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