hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize