You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
