Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
