I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
