woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
