I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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