I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
