bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
