Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
