1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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