I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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