This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize