The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
