i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if only i could text you this smell
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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