Barsexuality is the new black.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
