omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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