Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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