She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
