He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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