My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
