it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
