im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
