Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
