I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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