1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
