there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize