***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
