420 ftw
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
