you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
