The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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