Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
