I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
