the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
