bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
