I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
