my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
