I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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