dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
