just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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