I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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