I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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