dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
