Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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