I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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