I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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