Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
