You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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