FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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