There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
