turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
